I’m struggling with someone else’s drinking or drug use

The effects of someone else’s drinking or drug use can reach far beyond the moments when they are intoxicated. You may spend time checking whether they are safe, covering missed responsibilities, managing other people’s reactions or trying to prevent the next crisis.

You might notice that you are:

• Changing plans because you do not know what state they will be in.
• Struggling to sleep or relax when they are out.
• Taking on extra work, childcare or household responsibilities.
• Worrying about money, driving, accidents or what they might do.
• Avoiding friends because you do not know how to explain what is happening.
• Feeling pulled between protecting them and protecting yourself.
• Questioning whether you are overreacting because other times feel calm.

There is no single “correct” response. Relief, affection, anger, fear, guilt and resentment can sit alongside one another. Feeling worn down does not mean you have stopped caring.

It is understandable to look for the right words or actions that will finally make someone change. You may have explained, pleaded, argued or tried to keep track of what they are using. If the pattern continues, it can leave you feeling as though you failed.

Another adult’s decisions are not yours to control. You can offer information, describe how their behaviour affects you and encourage them to seek qualified help. You cannot make treatment work on their behalf.

This does not mean doing nothing. It means putting your effort into choices that are genuinely available to you: what you will take part in, what behaviour you will remain around, how you will protect money or responsibilities, and who you can ask for support.

You also do not have to wait for the other person to enter treatment before seeking help for yourself.

A boundary is usually clearest when it describes what you will do, rather than trying to control another person’s behaviour. It is not a threat or a guarantee that the situation will change.

Depending on your circumstances, a boundary might mean:

• Not getting into a car with someone who has been drinking or using drugs.
• Not lending money when you are uncomfortable about how it may be used.
• Ending a conversation when the other person is intoxicated and returning to it when they are sober.
• Keeping essential money, medication, documents or keys secure.
• Declining to make excuses to an employer, friend or relative.
• Arranging another place to stay if you do not feel safe.
• Being clear about which responsibilities you can and cannot continue taking on.

Choose boundaries that are specific and realistic enough for you to follow. You do not have to announce every boundary during a tense or unsafe moment. If raising the subject may lead to intimidation or violence, prioritise safety and seek individual support before deciding what to say.

A boundary does not have to mean ending all contact. Equally, preserving contact should not come at the expense of your safety. What is workable will depend on the relationship, living arrangements, finances, children and the level of risk.

If you decide to talk, choosing a calmer time may make the conversation safer and more useful than trying to resolve things while the person is intoxicated.

You might focus on a specific effect rather than trying to prove how serious the whole problem is. For example:

• “I was frightened when you tried to drive after drinking.”
• “I cannot cover the rent again.”
• “I’m willing to talk about this when we are both calm.”
• “I need support for how this is affecting me.”

You do not have to win an argument about labels before taking your own experience seriously. Avoid putting yourself at risk to search for evidence, monitor the person or force a confrontation. If a conversation begins to feel threatening, you can stop it and move towards safety.

Repeated uncertainty can narrow life around the next incident. Small steps that restore choice and connection may help, even if the wider situation remains unresolved.

You could consider:

• Telling one trustworthy person what has been happening.
• Keeping important appointments and activities where possible.
• Writing down your own limits before a difficult conversation.
• Making a plan for where you could go or whom you could call during a crisis.
• Speaking to your GP about the effect on your sleep, mood or health.
• Looking for a family-support service for people affected by another person’s alcohol or drug use.
• Considering individual counselling or therapy if you want a private place to explore fear, guilt, anger or difficult decisions.

Family support does not always depend on the person using alcohol or drugs agreeing to treatment. Alcohol Change UK provides a guide to family support services, while the NHS offers advice for families of people who use drugs.

Service arrangements can change, so check the provider’s current information before relying on a particular option.

Alcohol or drug use does not excuse controlling, threatening or violent behaviour. If you feel afraid of the person, your immediate safety takes priority over repairing the relationship or discussing their substance use.

You do not need to suggest couples counselling or have a joint conversation when you feel unsafe. Seek support individually and, where possible, use a device or contact method the other person cannot monitor.

If there is immediate danger, call 999. If it is not an emergency, a GP, local domestic abuse service or another trusted professional may help you think through safer next steps.

If a child or vulnerable adult may be at risk, seek advice from an appropriate local professional or safeguarding service. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 999. You do not have to investigate the situation yourself before asking for help.

Call 999 immediately if someone is unconscious, has stopped breathing, is having a seizure or appears to be in immediate danger.

If you suspect alcohol poisoning, do not wait for counselling or a routine appointment. Call 999 and follow the emergency operator’s instructions. The NHS has further information about alcohol poisoning.

This page cannot assess withdrawal risk or advise someone to detox at home. A person who may be dependent on alcohol or drugs should receive advice from an appropriately qualified health or treatment professional rather than being told to stop abruptly without clinical guidance.

If the other person wants help with their drinking or drug use, their GP or a qualified alcohol or drug treatment service can advise them about assessment and treatment. You can pass on information if you wish, but you do not have to organise or supervise their recovery.

Your own support has a different purpose. It may help you understand what the situation is doing to you, decide what you can realistically offer and make choices with less isolation. This could come from trusted people, a GP, a family-support service, a peer group, a counsellor or a therapist.

Counselling is optional. It does not require you to end the relationship, persuade the other person to seek treatment or arrive with a final decision already made. It can simply be a place to speak openly about what you are carrying.

If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 999.

If you need someone to listen, Samaritans can be contacted free on 116 123. You can also find their contact options at https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/. Samaritans is a listening service and is not a replacement for emergency help when someone is in immediate danger.

You deserve support for the effect this is having on your life, even if the other person is not ready to change.

Specialist support for families affected by alcohol or drug use may help first. You can also explore counselling for your own emotional wellbeing.